Waking
There’s nothing like a chronic illness to wake you up out of complacency. In the last 13 years, I have learned a great deal about the play between resistance and acceptance. When I was first diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, I resisted. I denied. I was confident that my young, healthy 44-year-old body would surely not succumb to this “old person’s” disease.
After all, I was athletic, ate healthily, and had a long bucket list of places I wanted to travel. My identity was closely linked to my physical abilities. I hiked, cycled long distances, and mountain-biked; and I had a dream of trekking in the Himalayas of Nepal. I had two young daughters ages 5 and 3 to raise. What would I tell them? I worked hard at hiding what I named my “ugly secret.”
Revealing
Soon my illness would betray me. I began to limp and friends and strangers would stop me and ask with concern and curiosity, “Did you hurt your knee?” Then the tremors began to present themselves and people would ask, Are you cold?—which didn’t add up in the summertime.
I realized Parkinson’s was going to continue to expose me. It would chip away at my outer persona revealing the delicate layer I was protecting. I would have to accept that I was someone who carried the burden of a chronic illness. I couldn’t win the physical battle and I would have to come clean.
Accepting
For most of my life. I had mastered the art of hiding my vulnerabilities and learned how to cover up my emotions when they were “unfavorable.” I would now “reframe” what it meant to me to be vulnerable. In this new mindset, I began to experience the beauty of revealing “uncomfortable” emotions like nervousness or humiliation.
Expressing these feelings made me real and human and understood. I was ready to be the authentic me and wear my formerly “unattractive” feelings on my sleeve. I called this authentic living “radical acceptance,” which is to say that I embraced all the qualities that made me uniquely Miriam, including Parkinson’s.
I was liberated from acting how I thought I wanted others to see me or how I wanted to see myself. I would come to know myself more intimately with this not-so-new companion called Parkinson’s. This point of view deepened my relationships with my family and close friends.
Living
It takes a lot of energy to fight and resist what is true. By letting go of the resistance and, instead, riding the wave of acceptance, I could find my wisdom, my inner guide. Accepting my illness has enabled me to get laser-focused on pursuing my goals and dreams. What is most important to me is to live authentically with my tremor, limp, and a healthy dose of vulnerability.
__________
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash
Miriam Bram was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in October 2008, at the age of 44. She lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and in Amagansett, New York with her husband, Steven, and two daughters Zoe (17) and Kacy (15). Miriam serves as an Ambassador for the 6th Annual World Parkinson’s Congress (WPC) in Barcelona 2022. She enjoys spending time in nature, and loves cycling, swimming, yoga, and hiking.