An Anniversary
I awaken early, around 5 AM, as I do most mornings. It’s quiet and the city lies still as I turn on the coffee pot, let our three dogs outside, and place food in their bowls. It will be another hour before my wife Tracey gets up for her marathon training run, and a bit longer until our girls wake up and get ready for school.
The day before, Tracey reminded me in a brief text that, “Tomorrow is your anniversary.” Yes, today marks five years since a doctor I had just met uttered sixteen life-changing words: What worries me is that I think you are in the early stages of Parkinson’s disease.
I have written a lot about the five years since that day. One may scroll through the various stories on PD Wise to glimpse facets of my journey from diagnosis, to secrecy, to acceptance, and eventually, to finding meaning, purpose, and hope in a new kind of life.
Today
This morning, after taking my daughter to school, I will meet for coffee with my friend Gary, who also lives with Parkinson’s, and we will talk about things we care about, share how we are faring, and surely have a few laughs. Gary is one of the many gifts Parkinson’s has brought into my life.
From there, I will go to campus and meet with colleagues and students and generous donors about work we all love and to which we happily devote our lives and resources. After work, I will meet my pal Jordan for a beer, and we will do what friends do: talk about mutual interests, our families, our work, the stuff of life.
Then, I’ll spend the evening with my wife and two daughters, sharing a meal, talking about our day, checking in regarding school, homework, and friendships. Finally, we will rest knowing we’ve done our best by this day. After five years, we now know and accept that tomorrow Parkinson’s will bring both challenges and gifts. And we’ll wake up ready to start again.
Five Years
Five years of living with what my diagnosing neurologist, Dr. T, called “a new family member” has brought about some of the darkest moments of my life but also many more of the brightest. Those years were ones of friendships and community, marathons, efforts to raise awareness and funding for Parkinson’s research, and to offer education. In those five years, a renewed commitment to and passion for living each day to the fullest took hold. I have learned to live daily with an illness that will never define me but which guides me and provides meaning, purpose, perspective, and even joy that I never could have imagined possible as those sixteen words left Dr. T’s mouth.
Journeys
A lot fills my heart’s space this morning. The following poem, written a few months ago, captures some of what I think and feel, and importantly, some of what I want others to know, wherever they may be on their journeys, whether with Parkinson’s or other challenges thrown their way.[1]
Healing
Happiness does not require a cure.
Neither does feeling at peace with illness.
Otherwise, I am sentenced to discontentment,
Gripped by anxiety or resentment.
If happiness presumes wellness
I forego each day’s openings—for
Passion and learning, significance and purpose,
For indescribable joy with those I love.
Looking at the horizon for a cure
Must not take my eyes away
From beautiful vistas and
Sacredness before me.
Illness teaches this.
I am also learning that,
While it may surprise us,
Healing can precede cures.
[1] This poem appears in Allan Hugh Cole Jr., In the Care of Plenty: Poems (Eugene, OR: Cascade, 2021), forthcoming.
Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash
Allan Cole is Deputy to the President for Societal Challenges and Opportunities at The University of Texas at Austin, where he also serves as a professor in The Steve Hicks School of Social Work and, by courtesy, as a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Dell Medical School. Diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2016, at the age of 48, he is the author or editor of many books on a range of topics related to bereavement, anxiety, and spirituality. His latest book is Counseling Persons with Parkinson’s Disease (Oxford University Press) and his next book, Discerning the Way: Lessons from Parkinson’s Disease (Cascade), will be published in late 2021, as will his first book of poetry, titled In the Care of Plenty: Poems (Resource Publications). Follow him on Twitter @PDWise.